Orgasms and Treacherous Toys - Improving Sexual Health

At Wishing Wellness, in my role as a licensed mental health counselor, I provide several specialty counseling services - one of those services is sex therapy for individuals and couples. Over the years, I have had similar discussions with numerous clients and couples as we worked through issues regarding sexual functioning and relationship issues. In a previous blog post, I talked generally about sexuality and intimacy in relationships. This article is more targeted and explains some thoughts about a specific situation in the ability to orgasm, or issues with changes in ability to orgasm. Even though I use females as an example (because it seems as though this specific issue impacts females more than males) the information can certainly equally apply to males. While there are many reasons why a person may have difficulty achieving orgasm, this article is only addressing the specific issue of "sex toys" and how the use of certain toys may inadvertently complicate achieving orgasm. This article includes generalizations and the information may not apply to specific people in specific situations.

In healthy situations, orgasm is an often desired end result of sexual arousal. Although a very natural process, human sexual arousal is a pretty complicated process. The act of becoming sexually aroused may be enhanced or frustrated by factors such as physical health, nutrition, stress, thoughts, emotions, mind set and setting, medications, time of day, hormones, past sexual experience, abuse or religious views. Almost anything can help or hinder our ability to be "in the mood" and become aroused.

In some particular situations, for a variety of reasons (including the simple passage of time), sexual intimacy with oneself or a partner may become "routine." What had previously been considered a "normal" sex life with typical orgasmic outcomes starts to shift and become more complicated and frustrating. This can lead to a cycle of emotions and thoughts which further complicates the process of intimacy and orgasmic outcomes.

It is a physiological feature of humans to adapt and adjust to sexual stimulation and arousal - just as it is with any other sensation or stimuli. A protective feature of our biology is to habituate to stimuli. Habituating means that over some period of time, we become less sensitive to things that once may have caused a previously heightened amount of stimulation. This includes lighting, sounds, smells, touch, responses and responses to stress. While not an uplifting example, the habituation concept is readily apparent when we think about drug addiction and the affects of drug ingestion and tolerance levels. Habituation, a primitive survival mechanism, can lead to a lessened degree of responsiveness to bad, or good stimulation, such as sexual arousal.

In some cases, as sexual arousal takes a downward turn, individuals and couples turn toward a variety of things to bring back the arousal. Different positions, places, clothing, fetishes, partners... TOYS. Sex toys certainly can have a place in helping a person's sex life. In some situations, toys can be prescribed to help a person discover their sexuality and orgasmic potential. However, in some situations, relying on toys can have an unanticipated outcome - that is what this article is about.

As I mentioned, over the years I have seen a common theme regarding a specific situation and scenario. A couple comes in for counseling and they are frustrated, hurt and unhappy with their sex life; which almost always started out great (or at least good). Now, the sex life has deteriorated to the point that the couple is considering breaking up. This almost always has to do with one, or both, of the partners, not being able to achieve orgasm anymore. Or, if they can achieve orgasm, it almost seems like a chore to get to that point. What once came easily (pun intended) is now a point of contention and frustration.

In an effort to make things better and "spice things up" people often turn to sex toys. For some couples, sex toys are a great addition to sexual activity and enhance sexual arousal.  Examples of helpful sex toys might be passive g-spot stimulators, sexy outfits, passive dildos or Yoni eggs. However, a frequent option which might require more thought, is use of an electric or battery operated vibrator or dildo.

Artificially operated vibrating devices can have a long-term unintended negative impact on orgasmic potential, especially in a couples setting. Assuming a person has previously had orgasms and the orgasmic potential is now simply lessened or harder to achieve, turning to vibratory stimulation may exacerbate or worsen the long-term potential to achieve non-vibratory orgasms. Additionally, over time, it will almost always be true that the vibratory stimulation becomes ineffective.

In situations where pre-orgasmic arousal levels are not naturally obtained, and a person turns to artificial vibratory stimulation for the arousal, the body will eventually get to a point where clitoral or vaginal desensitization occurs. This sets up a cycle that leads to longer time required with the vibratory stimulation and even greater subsequent desensitization. Pretty soon, batteries have to be bought in bulk! The clitoris (penis) and the nervous system will become habituated to the stimulation and orgasms will become more and more difficult to achieve. The cycle may worsen to a point where orgasms are almost impossible to achieve with human touch, oral stimulation or penetration. At first, vibratory stimulation might get the desired result - but in many cases I've seen, the end result is disappointment and alienation in a relationship because technology has replaced intimacy and human stimulation has become ineffective. In worst case couples' scenarios, because of the habituation issue and lack of arousal, people may get a temporary boost of arousal by seeking a new partner for excitement. The novelty of the new situation or new person brings back some initial sexual arousal potential - but very often, the long-term end result is the same; disappointment.

The good news is that in a majority of cases, the Big-O is not lost - just more elusive. A scenario such as this can almost always be helped - but it takes time to reconnect and reset the body's stimulation responses. Here are some ideas:

• understand that arousal levels normally fluctuate     
• together with their partner, people need changes and variety to maintain arousal & stimulation 
• it is normal that over time, it takes longer to achieve previously obtained arousal levels
• sexual teasing, deferment and delay, build up arousal levels & intensity
• reestablish "normal" clitoral (penile) and vaginal sensitivity levels by avoiding intense stimulation from vibratory devices            
• eliminate distractions - stress, drugs, time pressure, arguments, kids
• increase facilitators - nutrition, proper weight, health, romance, non-sexual intimacy, respect
• explore underutilized options - tantra, meditation, massage, aromatherapy, music
• don't be afraid or embarrassed to seek professional help 

This article describes one specific type of sexual performance issue and is based on many generalizations and assumptions. Life is meant to be enjoyed. Being happy and content with one's sexuality can be an important factor in having a fulfilling life. If necessary, it can be a good idea to find someone that can help, if you have challenges in obtaining what you seek. Celebrate life! For more information about Wishing Wellness - click here.   

Sex Therapy - The Hidden Factor to Many Relationship Issues

Over the last several months I have had several couples approach me for "couples" or "marriage therapy." Sometimes the issues that they present are the common ones, such as: money, discipline of the children, differences in how things should be done, differences in expectations....  In a few of the situations, the issues have been more subtle. It seemed that when one issue was resolved, a new issue cropped up. The couples and I felt like we were trying to hit a moving target.

Over the years, I have learned that when the content of an issue changes, but the interpersonal processes remain the same, the root cause of the issue has yet to be addressed. After some good work on the part of the clients, a common description was provided by these couples - "We get along OK. It seems like we can be good friends, but when it comes to actual or expected intimacy, that is when things start to get difficult." Often times, the intimacy did not appear to be the issue, but after some digging, the intimacy issues were the factor that led to the other arguments or issues. In some of the more significant situations, this led to mental abuse, infidelity, distancing in the relationship by substituting intimacy with pornography or other like substitutes. The other "issues" seemed like they were the issue - but they were not the primary thing that was making the couples feel raw, or angry, or insecure.

In more than a few of the situations, it turned out that one of the partners had a past history of sexual abuse. Upon further conversation and therapy, due to the abuse or some other factor, intimacy, as expressed via sexuality, was not a desirable or comfortable place for that person to be. In several cases, the person either had issues achieving orgasm (anorgasmia) or general relationship based arousal. This can then either lead to avoidance of sexual activity, or participating sexually, but not really enjoying one's self. In either situation, the other partner picks up on the lack of desirable participation and that sets off the cycle of "relationship issues."

Most people would agree, the difference between "really good friends" and "couples" is the sexual intimacy. For couples to feel as though they are really "couples," as opposed to friends or roommates, reciprocal, mutually satisfying sexuality is a key component.

Emotional sexual dysfunction (as opposed to physiologically based dysfunction) can be helped with counseling and psychotherapy. Therapeutic hypnosis can be a great tool to use in helping people overcome issues with sexual functioning. Sexual intimacy in the context of a "couples" relationship is a very important part to a full and fulfilling, mutually satisfying, relationship. Enjoying life and experiencing it to its fullest should be a part of our wonderful existence.

Although sexual desire, functioning and intimacy are extremely personal topics, seeking help and achieving your personal goals in your relationship is important. You may be surprised as to how different things can be. People deserve to celebrate life, themselves, and their relationships to the fullest.