Processing the Passing of Pets - Understanding Our Sadness

A client recently came in and asked for some help in dealing with, and understanding, her sadness and grieving in regard to the loss of her pet. She had found her companion when just a kitten and her cat had been with her for almost half her life. When her cat passed, they had been celebrating an 18 year relationship. What her particular concerns and questions focused on was understanding why this sadness and grieving was so profound, deep and slow to resolve.

During her life, as is the situation with most people, my client had been exposed to loss of friends and family members several times. While these situations and losses came with the expected impact and sadness, the death of her cat was, from her perspective, much more impactful. She was seeking help in understanding why, in comparison to the loss of her human connections, the death of her cat was greater and more difficult to handle.

There are many general explanations that explain and help us understand the grieving process a person goes through when they lose another human. There is much less information about how a person grieves the death of a pet. While the assumption is that the process may be similar, it does seem true that loss of a pet can have a more profound impact than the loss of a human loved one. Why would this be true? There may be several reasons that can help us understand that qualitative difference between the sadness and grieving  that occurs when we loose a pet. These are generalizations offered to help someone develop a better understanding of how processing the loss can be different.

Humans have the option to communicate verbally. Verbal communication involves expression and reception of messages that can be manipulated and used in various healthy and unhealthy ways. Verbal communication is a shared process and there is an option for feedback, disagreement and clarification. While verbal communication can certainly lead to emotional responses and the development of relationships, communication between a pet and an owner is qualitatively different. Over time, there develops an unspoken sense of understanding and communication that occurs between a pet and an owner. Because this communication is non-verbal and understanding develops internally, it is more of a sensate and emotional process. The awareness between an owner and pet is much more subtle and personal. An intuitive perception is developed that allows each to know the feelings, attitudes and emotions of each other. Each party to the communication learns to pick up on very subtle expressions and behaviors. This non-verbal communication is more intimate, honest and forthright than verbal communication - a blending of understanding develops at an almost pre-cognitive level.

When we are in human relationships, we know that there is still some healthy separation between parties. Each person has their own life that commingles with the other and there is a give-and-take that occurs. In healthy human relationships, interdependence and an agreed upon mutually supportive interaction occurs between each other - but it is a two-way street. Agreement occurs as to who will do what things and take on what roles. In contrast, as a responsible pet owner, there is an inherent dependence in the relationship. An owner feeds, walks, provides health care, stimulates, cleans up and picks up poop for their pet. Their pet will never outgrow the need to have a certain amount of care devoted to them and their wellbeing. Child humans are encouraged to become independent and leave the home - pets will never be required to change their role and dependency to become an adult. This places a very intimate and intricate level of care taking on the pet owner. In exchange for appropriate care, a pet reciprocates with relatively unconditional love and companionship.

When a human spirit leaves the body and passes on, there is usually a cultural, religious or familial tradition that occurs with the passing. Funerals, wakes, eulogies, memorials, obituaries declaring the family lineage and group mourning is common. When a pet passes, the process is much more isolated and personal - there often is no large group of supporters or rituals to celebrate the passing. The options to process the loss are more limited. The loneliness, grieving and sadness is more singular and intimate. Additionally, unlike in human situations, sometimes a pet owner has an option for peaceful euthanasia of their pet. This critical decision can play a role in second guessing one's self and developing a sense of guilt for being a party to their pet's transition.

There are some very clear and reasonable reasons why loss of a pet may be more difficult for someone to process than loss of a human loved one. While some of the differences may now be apparent, a few things remain common in how we can process the passing - human or pet. We can always choose to celebrate the gifts and strengths of those departed, rather than focus on the loss. Even the word "loss" implies missing something with a sense of ownership; and we really never can own or control another life. We can choose to be honored that we shared time, experiences and memories with another. The beauty and joy that we experienced with our loved ones can live on, just as strongly, in our memories and in our future choices and actions. Prayer, meditation and shamanic journeying are some examples of methods that some people use to keep in touch with those who have passed on. In some situations, where grief remains unresolved and unrelenting, some clients have found benefit in therapeutic hypnosis work that uses memory regression to help reconcile previously missed opportunities for closure. Spiritually and emotionally, the true essence of our pets will always be with us, because that type of love transcends the death of a body.   For more information about Wishing Wellness, click here.